Hey mister Tamborine Man, play a song for me, I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to
Isn't that the best joke ever? I've been inexplicable depressed the past four days, so I decided to start out with a joke here. I don't know why I've been depressed. I didn't start feeling like I missed Matt until last night, so I don't think that was it. Might be that I've started taking the pill straight through and skipping my period-it could be a hormanal reaction. I don't know. At least I'm not actively destructive any more. I used to hurt othe people and myself when I was depressed. Then I realized that hurting other people really didn't solve anything, just made them angry at me, which made me more depressed, etc. So I just worked on hurting myself. Not a cry for help, you understand. I made sure I never left any marks and I made sure no one ever knew. I think that's why it took my so long to realize that something was wrong-I didn't have the classic symptoms, it wasn't me reaching out. It was me being hurt and sad and angry and feeling worthless, like I shouldn't bother anybody, and any visible wound would draw (undeserved, I thought) attention. Now I just curl up helplessly and don't do anything, mostly. I'm tired all the time, but I don't sleep at night, and can't make myself do anything. The isometric thing of the stool was due today. I didn't finish it. Fortunately I can turn it in late with no penalty, but still. I had the time. I just chose not to use it. I walked to school in the rain today, listening to Bjork. Army of Me really helps for some reason. I should put that in the alarm clock to wake up to, I might actually drag my ass out of bed on time then. When I was in high school, it took me 20 minutes tops to leave for school. Now it takes a little over an hour, and I'm a little rushed. Matt calls to make sure I get up, but it's not fair to put that on him, he's got other stuff to do in the morning, he's much more productive than I am.
Over the course of the day I felt better, costume shop wasn't that bad, I finished my sleeve, started on the bloomers, good times. I'm behind on a few things, I just need to take my time and do them. Plan out what I'm going to do, and then do it. That's the hard part, starting. And then continuing despite any lack of inspiration. Hey, one really happy thing, Clark may actually be at fencing tonight! I think I might faint if he's actually there. That would be cool though. And in the interim between my lesson and the class, I'll start writing my paper for english. Can finish and type it tomorrow morning, as well as starting on my drafting homework, and finishing the stool.
It's funny, now I'm back on track and motivated again and all, but for four days I wasn't at all. What changed? I have no idea why it started or why I ended, but I'm glad it did. Wish I knew, though, so I could implement the cure sooner. Oh well. I haven't slid too far behind, I can still catch up. I'm going to go now, fencing soon.
