He just smiled and handed me a vegemite sandwich
This is an email that I got from my roommate, about my other roommate. It's very entertaining. And will give all of you some insight into my home life.
"Leslie cornered me in the kitchen tonight and it was the singular,
worst diatribe i've received so far--i soooooo wish i had a tape
recorder:
(on the topic of how no one in nyc is good looking) "i mean when i'm
on the train, i know this is going to sound conceited, but i am the
best looking one there, and that's really sad you know...i mean
occasionally there will be a cute guy or something, nothing like a
model, but i'm pretty attractive--all american women could stand to
lose 20lbs, i mean women in new york are over weight, women in the us
are obese but nyc women are just overweight--but i can't even find a
guy to match me and i don't have an ounce of fat on me"
(on the topic of men she dates/how nyc men are not good looking
enough) "i mean, emily, you don't understand, i dated vincent gallo.
i've dated men better looking than vincent gallo. men in this city are
not attractive. you go to other cities and you see a few cute guys in
a bar, but here, maybe one. not even that the type of guy i like would
be in a bar, my type of guy wouldn't hang out in a bar and drink
beer."
me: so what would your type of man do on a friday or saturday night?
leslie: i don't know. not some fucking bridge and tunnel thing like go
to a bar. he'd do that on a monday or tuesday, you know? i wouldn't
fucking date some bridge and tunnel brooklyn guy.
me: brooklyn isn't bridge and tunnel.
whoreface: bridge and tunnel is jersey, white plains and brooklyn. i
would never date some fucking guy from brooklyn [please note, leslie
formerly lived in bk and still aspires to live in park slope, or at
least she says this on a daily basis]
leslie: i am really attractive. i wouldn't tolerate an ounce of fat on
a guy. not an ounce. if you're fat, lose the weight. i want someone
like me: well read, well travelled, attractive, interesting. you know
i'm well versed not only in one topic, i'm well versed in many. what
am i supposed to do in ny? drink beer and watch the sopranos with some
blue collar guy or deal with some white collar finance guy? i want a
european that's educated--not necessarily college educated bc the
europeans have a much better school system than the us but if he
doesn't have at least a college degree than he'd better have a fucking
good reason why not...like me. because if you don't at least have an
undergrad degree you're a fucking idiot in the united states [please
note: no college degree]. but you know i am so well-rounded, i can
have a conversation about thomas pynchon with a literature master's
student. that's the guy i need.
emily: so who are the guys that like you?
trollface: europeans. allllllways europeans.
emily: so what happens with all of these guys that like you?
tf: that's actually personal, emily. you know, my 2 prior
relationships are not something i want to discuss. i want someone like
me (see attributes described above)
emily: (in head) then shut the fuck up.
omg. omg. omg. omg. omg. i yawned several times to try get my "shut
your trollface up" thought bubbles out of my brain and into the
atmospheric haze above TF's humongoid head, but, to no avail. i can't
say that this hasn't been entertaining, but i really need a tape
recorder. there's more dialog, of course, but i already forget it. in
related crazy news: that belgian/spanish couch surfer guy's flight got
cancelled so apparently he arrives tomorrow instead. i'm hoping she
gets some ass out of it.
surely one of you has a friend that can hook me up with a studio in
the area. i can't take her anymore.
happy st. patrick's day."
