So darling, Darling stand by me

I think I wasn't very clear towards the end of that last entry. I'll maybe try to clarify. I think (maybe. I'm 21 and not that well read philosphically. Who knows what I think) that we create meaning in our own lives, and in the lives of others. The meaning that everyone else has created has led us here, to this present day. We alone are responsible for out actions and reactions, and our fates. I think that any higher power, any larger picture, any greater reward robs us a little of that. Why do we need that responsibility if we are not held responsible to anyone except ultimately ourselves? I don't know. And I don't know that I believe everything I just said. But it's a start. Anyway. I'm not sure if I clarified or expounded there. Whatevs.
Today was a blank, kind of. I woke up sick, sore throat, and when I went to the nurses dome to get tea and whatever, I started feeling headachy and nauseous. So I spent the rest of the day there, nearly. Till 4, anyway, napping and listening to people. So I missed All Nations Day mostly. Though it sounds like it was pretty good this year. I helped out with stilts, ate my dinner in the tipi circle, watched the evening program dealie (a follow up closure thing for A N D), put my crazy hyper, nutso tipi to sleep. Tomorrow is sleep in sunday. Cartoons in the Big Top till 10, and I get to sleep in till then. Though today was so lazy that I don't know how well or how late I'll sleep. Speaking of which, my tent is HUGE. Like, I think 8 people could sleep in it. 6 would be more comforatble. But seriously. This is the good thing about coming in a little later, when they are out of the normal sized tents. It's pretty awesome. One of these days I'm going to take the time to lay out all my clothes, and make it into a room. I'm also right across the creek from the kitchen, so I can roll out of bed and go eat. But I am far away from the showers. But really, that would be the case pretty much anywhere.
So as the tipi was settling down, one girl has something to say, she stand up and says 'okay, so you know this thing(the knee ticking thing, where you kind of crack an egg on some ones knee, and it is all squiggly tickly) and how it's supposed to make you have an orgasm? Well, really it makes you fart.' What the hell? Seriously, who came up with ticking some ones knee gives them an orgasm? So then another girl wants to know what an orgasm is. We changed the subject very quickly. But I kind of think that she deserves an honest answer. But I really don't want to explain that to a 12 year old. My only answer that I came up with is to tell her that it has to do with sex, and feeling really good. Is that enough? Too much? Who knows. And who knows if that conversation will come up again to explain it to her. I don't want to bring it up out of the blue.
I already said that Patch Adams is here. His friend John is also here, who's a doctor too, and who is actually working in the nurses dome. I hang out there a lot, because my tent isn't really good for napping in yet. I really like this guy. He's nice, and direct, and calming, and funny, and disconcerting. This is not romantic, you understand. Camp is a really bad place for romance, and a really good place for loving, and you really have to separate the two, because it's so easy to fall in love with everyone here, just for them, and then be hurt, because it's not real, when you get back into the world, these people (for me. and this is the tragedy of me) fade into friendly aquiantances. So I'm always holding back some. I can't let myself expect too much of these people as friends. And so John is disconcerting because he has an air about him that invites trust, and confidence. He's some one that you want to lean on, and tell things to and get his feedback. And I hate this balancing on the edge and nearly being able to tell and to trust, but not letting myself because I know the consequences. But I do like that the option appears to be there. And the kind of trust that is inspired is the kind that I would take this dilema to, to explore it more, or overcome it.
My teenstaff is wierd. She's really nice, and really enthusiastic, but she is very much 15. And is trying really hard to be official and mature, and its just not there. And it gets pretty frustrating for me some times. I just have to remind myself that some of here wrong thinking is right for a 15 year old, and know/trust that she'll grow out of it.
Things I Need To Bring With Me When I Come Back From My Day Off Which Starts Tomorrow at Six pm
1. Fire Poi
2. Labyrinth necklace
3. Deposit paycheck
4. Damn. There was more to this list.
5. I guess those were the main things.
Jose (the guy who hated me last year, not going to explain it now) and I are getting along famously. I told him I was hanging out with Rita Moreno, and that I assistant designed a show she's in, and he flipped. And just in general. So this summer should be good. Micah, my sound buddy (who is really, really good, he mixed a guitar piece the other day beautifully, artfully. And for the first time in my life, I really understood running sound is an art. I already knew that, but now I KNOW it) left today, and isn't coming back till next session. So I'm stuck with Mark, a smart mouthed, cynical teen staff who nees to just let it go. And not be negative about shit (do I sound like a hippy now? oh boy). He's a good kid, just, like my teenstaff, has a lot to learn, and a lot of maturing to do. my favorite teen staff is this kid named Squirrel, who I was buddies with last year, I'm glad he made it on to teen staff. We pass clubs a lot, and try to have tables together at lunch. Good times. I'm really rambling now, and have run out of things to say. But the mosquitos have no run out of places to bite me, though they are trying. I have bites on my legs. In places where they obviously bit me through my pants. This sucks. Maybe I should wear repellent. But I hate the smell of it. So I will flip my hair and stomp my foot like the cranky preteen that I am inside and not wear it, and whine when I get bitten.
My goal of wearing more skirts in general is going very well right now.
Did I mention that I helpe dout with stilts? Because I did. Today. That's what I did at 4, which is why I only lazed till then. And I feel much better now, though my throat is a little wierd. Shit. Where did I leave my water bottle? Anyway. I tied people up on stilts, which I was very proud of, because I have never done that before, and have only been up myself twice. In the 9 years that I have been at camp. This is my 10th. It might be my 11th, I need to ask my mom. In any case, it should be my 14th, I skipped 4 years. And the stilts, are the kind that strap to your leg and tie on your feet, leave your hands free. That distinction is important. I'm going to bed now.